The Tease ([info]gentlemaitresse) wrote,
@ 2004-03-09 08:31:00
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Next question: Why are so many men afraid of relationships? Especially young men. Are they afraid that if the make a commitment to this one they might miss something "better" down the road?

ALL of my best lovers have been friends that I've eventually seduced after they've proven their friendship and trustworthiness to me over time. Not that they were *trying* to prove anything; they were just being friends.

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[info]maitressestoy
2004-03-09 05:55 am UTC (link)
"Why are so many men afraid of relationships? Especially young men. Are they afraid that if the make a commitment to this one they might miss something "better" down the road?"

Yes

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[info]gentlemaitresse
2004-03-09 07:22 am UTC (link)
Did you have that fear?

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[info]lisamoe
2004-03-09 05:56 am UTC (link)
Hmmm...it seems to me that a healthy fear of committment can be a GOOD thing in young men. Or women. I certainly didn't understand who I was in my early twenties and I'm paying the price now for permanent decisions I made back then.

I actually do think it's partly that they're afraid they're going to miss out on something else down the road. Not just a "better" partner, but perhaps the opportunity to try a lot of different things before they decide for good the path they want to take or the kind of person they want to spend their life with.

It's one reason I prefer older men, who've lived quite a bit and have decided what they want.

I'm not saying, BTW, that they CAN'T commit or that it's necessarily a bad idea, but I really think young people should take a good hard look at what they're going to be wanting out of the future before they make promises they or a partner may regret.

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[info]gentlemaitresse
2004-03-09 07:27 am UTC (link)
I wasn't necessarily talking about the fear of commitment, but I suspect that many people see it as the same thing. I'm talking about men either having a fear of getting into a relationship with a woman, or thinking that friendship with a woman (if it doesn't include sex in the immediate future) is a waste of time.

Statistics show that a man is most likely to make a long term commitment between the ages of 25 and 35. Yet it seems from my experience that those same men act like they just want to fool around and not have any kind of meaningful relationship. So either it's a game they play, or maybe I'm just running into the wrong men. It's certainly made me curious about other people's experiences. :-)

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[info]adoka
2004-03-09 06:31 am UTC (link)
Sounds like you have a successful proceedure for for finding good lovers.

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[info]gentlemaitresse
2004-03-09 07:28 am UTC (link)
Well, when I can find a guy who sees the value of friendship it works. It just seems that a lot of guys feel like a woman who isn't going to put out is a waste of their time. <sigh>

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[info]kaon
2004-03-09 07:08 am UTC (link)
I was not afraid of commitment when I was young, but after 27 years of being married, I can't help but wonder if such a "fear" wouldn't have served me well.

There were a lot of things that I discovered about myself around age 26. I'd been married five years at that point. The things that I discovered about myself have, over the years, caused a great deal of discord in the relationship I have with my wife.

I do wonder that if I'd waited to commit until I'd finished growing up and going through the process of self-discovery if it would have saved quite a bit of angst, discord, and bitter feelings between myself and whoever it was to whom I committed myself.

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dduley
2004-03-09 08:06 am UTC (link)
'Especially young men. Are they afraid that if the make a commitment to this one they might miss something "better" down the road?' ... actually, I would think this might apply to young people in general, though maybe young women tend to commit more often/easier but then tend to 'flit' from one commitment to another ;)

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amayos
2004-03-09 10:48 am UTC (link)
It's the reproductive prerogative of the male (and female, too—sometimes even more so, as your very lifestyle illustrates!). Current human culture dictates we keep one mate, which in my opinion is counter to our instinctual programming. I am just the type of male you're describing, btw. I've had a handful of woman attempt to rope me in with the white house and the picket fence and the babies and two-car garage and all that nonsense. They can keep their "American Dream," and I'll keep with mine: the truth of the flesh.

Do we want to keep ourselves available for something "better" that might come along? Of course. To do that is human, not just a guy thing.

My 2 cents.

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[info]stormcaller3801
2004-03-17 08:22 pm UTC (link)
Only some men are afraid of relationships. There are a great many who wish to find one and stay in it. They're usually the same ones who are told by women that they're 'too good a friend' or 'too much like a brother' or something similar.

In other words, the ones who look no further, are the ones who are overlooked.

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[info]acidsnow
2004-04-04 12:33 am UTC (link)
I saw your journal and you seemed interesting. Being female, I have found that *plenty* of guys my age (22) want to be in a relationship. It's just the girls that don't seem to care, me included. If I could find something decent, I might try it. But, the ones I have met are all annoyingly needy and at the same time manage to not be what I'm looking for. It's very frusterating.

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[info]becca_maru
2005-06-03 03:16 pm UTC (link)
Your second paragraph makes a lot of sense to me. I seem to be finding the same thing in my own life. Friendship, honesty and respect are the foremost things I look for in others, and just about anything else could potentially follow from that.

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vicham
2007-04-29 01:46 pm UTC (link)
I know I've come across as being afraid to commit. It isn't as if I have any other prospects for a relationship. I think, for myself, that it would be difficult because were my family to find out (this is in the context of you and I being in a relationship), I would never hear the end of it. Possibly get disowned. There are a lot of Bible huggers in my family, and for one of their own to be dating a married atheist woman...do know they would never in a million years "understand" your marriage/lifestyle; you would be nothing more than a sinful witch that would burn in Hell, as far as they are concerned. I really hate this, because I would feel forced to keep said relationship super-discreet. That may be exactly what you may want, though, but I try to look at it from the woman's point of view: "Geee, he won't let anyone know about our relationship...is he ashamed to be with me?"

Perhaps I'm thinking of it in the wrong manner, or I'm simply thinking too much of it.

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