Tales from the Dark Side

Finally, a voice mail from the director

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:13:10 GMT

I really hate having drama in my life. I'm posting this here because it has been a major cause of stress, and also because if I'm somehow wrong in how I handled this, I trust y'all to tell me.

A little recap of the current situation:

At auditions, I was asked for scheduling conflicts, and I mentioned all of them. In writing. Our week-long Disney vacation, my son's gymnastics classes (on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which is when she ended up scheduling almost all of the rehearsals), and yes, even my dance class on Tuesday nights, starting this week (which would cause me to miss two rehearsals at the most). This information was known before the director ever cast us in the show. The only thing we didn't tell her at that time, because we didn't know about it, was the auditions of this past Saturday. So last week I asked her if Patrick could go, promising her that we'd practice at home and on the way there, etc (which we did), and she said okay.

All of the children are constantly confused because the director changes things from one rehearsal to the next. We've dealt with this before. What we haven't dealt with in the past is a director who then yells at the children for not knowing what they are supposed to be doing (and one who frequently forgets, herself, and has to be reminded by a parent or the stage manager when she gets it wrong).

Her basic method of communication seems to be one of berating or intimidating or humiliating people. On Tuesday night my husband saw a horrible performance by the group of girls, and then he witnessed the director yelling at one girl, "We went over this for two hours on Saturday! Did you forget already?? Huh? Did you forget? Did you forget all of this already???!!"

I don't miss rehearsals without telling her in advance. As I said, she knew our schedule in advance. Many people have missed rehearsals due to baseball practice, baseball games, awards ceremonies, etc. I have no idea if she also yells at them about it.

She berated me on the phone Tuesday night, in front of everyone. She then made comments to the rest of the cast about me. I certainly wasn't going to talk to her on the phone again after that. I think the mature and "professional" thing to do in such a case is to define your boundaries and then stick to them. I did that. I asked that she communicate with me by email. She refused. She insisted on having another opportunity to yell at me on the phone, telling me how unprofessional I am, and what a loser I am. I guess she wanted the satisfaction of hearing me cry or beg her not to replace me? I don't know. I can't even imagine what must go through her head, though I do think she believes the stuff she said in her phone message.

According to my husband, our boys were practically the only ones who were paying attention at rehearsal on Tuesday night. He doesn't usually say things like this unless they are true. In fact, he's generally the first one to point out when they are goofing off, not paying attention, etc. He was shocked when he heard her say to me on the phone that they didn't know what they were doing and were performing poorly.

Despite the fact that I gave her our schedule on the day of auditions, she tends to change the schedule frequently, and didn't even give us a June schedule at all until May 30.

She frequently forgets things. Not just what she told us about blocking at a previous rehearsal, but she forgets when we tell her about a conflict (even when it's in writing, apparently), and she kept forgetting to make a CD of the music for me (despite me giving her a blank CD, and reminding her a couple of times).

So, here is what she said in her phone message, verbatim:

Okay, I get it that you don't want to talk to me which that's massively unprofessional, just so you know. I think we've had a major misunderstanding and I don't understand why you don't understand that rehearsals are important. And I have let you and your family take off time and time again to the point now where we are all very behind. Last night we were going to rehearse your scene so that's twice now that we haven't been able to go over scene 7.

And we're very very behind now because of it so, uh, I guess I'm just going to leave you this message because you won't talk to me, and I think it's much better if we would talk, rather than do email.

I'm just going to tell you that I've replaced you. You will not be the smog queen.

I hope the boys still stay in the show, but they're massively behind. They have missed so much rehearsal. They don't know the words, they don't know where they're going. They're, you know, they're behind.

Um, I don't know if [DD20]'s going to continue to be stage manager. cause she wasn't there Tuesday night and didn't call me. I just have never worked with people who don't understand that rehearsal is rehearsal and you need to at least call.

You never told me you weren't going to be there on Saturday. You said [DS9] wasn't, but you never said you weren't. And how am I to know that you're going to drive him. There's another parent. I'm assuming he can drive. So I was shocked when you weren't there Saturday, and I was shocked when you weren't there Tuesday. I know you mentioned the dance class to me, but I truly thought you were kidding.

Because you have to understand we only have five or six rehearsal left before we go into tech, and you don't know your part. So I've already replaced you, and there's, um, someone else that learned your part tonight, learned it in two hours, and will be doing the show.

Like I said, I hope the boys stay with me, but I have to know that, because if they don't, I need to give their lines to someone else. And I need to know if [DD20] plans to stay with the show, because if not I have to replace her, too.

Whew. I think I'm just glad to not be dealing with her anymore. I hope it doesn't leave a black mark on my family with the local theatre community. (It amazes me how many people in her small town just *love* her, but I don't think she is well-connected over here in the slightly larger city where we usually perform.)

Any suggestions on how to prevent that?

I'm thinking of sending a nice email to the Yahoo Group of cast and crew, to let them know that I won't be there, to congratulate them on getting such a talented person that she was able to learn my part in only two hours, and to wish them all good luck.

ETA: I just realized why the children were so withdrawn, and most of them seemed to barely try at rehearsals. If you are afraid of being verbally abused, it's only natural that you will withdraw and try not to get attention!

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 23:57:06 GMT

Email from the Director From Hell:

I need to speak to you. Please call as soon as possible.

My response:

I'd much rather communicate with you by email, to prevent another "discussion" like the one we had last night.

I plan to be there tomorrow at 4pm, unless you tell me otherwise.

I've been working on my lines. Unless you've changed the blocking, I've got most of that. I've been practicing my dance. I was thinking of hiring the voice teacher that worked with my girls in the past to help me with the song. I've got the words, but as you've noticed, I'm not hitting the notes accurately.

So that's where I stand. What did you need to say to me?

Her reply:

we need to speak. I don't think this should be done over email. I will try to call you again tonight. I want you to completely understand what I'm saying and why.

===

Translation:

I need to hit you over the head a bit more about why you are wrong and I am right, and why you should do exactly as I say, when I say it, including talking to me on the phone rather than handling this by email, because I MUST HAVE MY WAY AT ALL TIMES, DAMMIT!

So yeah. I'm not even going to reply. I'll be at rehearsals. I'll be respectful to her in front of others, as long as she affords me the same courtesy.

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:54:01 GMT

The director of the play has been calling me. She called this morning at 9am and didn't leave a message. I had left my phone at home when I took the boys to their dance class, and my husband to work (so we could use the truck), and DD15 to 4H camp counselor training.

She called again this afternoon, and I didn't answer. After she lambasted me last night on the phone, I don't intend to talk to her on the phone again. She left a message this time, saying she needs to talk to me. I can't imagine what she'd need to say that she didn't already say ten times last night, while yelling at me on the phone, within earshot of everyone else in the play.

When I got home, there was an email from her, saying she needs to talk to me. I think it's pretty rude of her to not say what she needs to talk about! I replied, saying I don't see a need for another phone conversation like the one we had last night, so I'd prefer to communicate by email. I also told her that I know most of my lines and most of my blocking, I've been practicing my dance, and I'm working on the song (and might even hire a voice teacher I know to help me with that, since she is so insistent that it be perfect -- but I left out that last part about her insisting that it be perfect in my email).

We'll see what she says. Frankly, I think there needs to be a RateYourDirector.com, sorta like rateyourprofessor.com! Then we'd know what we're getting ourselves into before we make the committment. I definitely don't intend to work for her ever again.

Marriage to Saudis

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:47:19 GMT

Back in 2002, the US government removed this from an official government website. I save it because I found it interesting.

SAUDI ARABIA

MARRIAGE TO SAUDIS

DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION IN THIS CIRCULAR RELATING TO THE LEGAL REQUIREMENTS OF SPECIFIC FOREIGN COUNTRIES IS PROVIDED FOR GENERAL INFORMATION ONLY. QUESTIONS INVOLVING INTERPRETATION OF SPECIFIC FOREIGN LAWS SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO FOREIGN COUNSEL.

The following information has been prepared by our Embassy in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia to assist American citizen women in understanding more fully the cultural and legal differences they may face if they are considering marrying a Saudi man.

Our Foreign Service posts in Saudi Arabia estimate that approximately 500 American women reside in the Kingdom with their Saudi husbands. Our Embassy is acutely conscious of the dual-national marriages which fail, monitoring approximately 40 child custody cases and instances of extreme marital discord and abuse. But American women who are both happily and unhappily involved in relationships with Saudi men admit to having been appallingly ignorant of the Kingdom and its culture prior to their betrothal. All the women interviewed strongly urged prospective wives of Saudi men to investigate the Kingdom and meet the Saudi in-laws before making a commitment to a culture antithetical to the one in which they were raised.

Survivors of dual-national marriages provide a checklist for American women to consider prior to making a commitment to living in the Kingdom. The stories of those whose marriages have failed underline the necessity of looking before leaping into the cultural chasm that separates Saudi husbands from their American wives.

The following advice and guidelines for women considering marriage to Saudi nationals were culled from interviews with women well known to our Embassy for their embattled relations with their Saudi spouses, from anecdotes from women whose husbands are well known to the Embassy because of their positions in government or business, as well as conversations with women happily or tolerably married to middle and lower class Saudis.

PROFILE OF AMERICAN CITIZEN SPOUSES OF SAUDI NATIONALS

First, the American citizen spouse of a Saudi national is with a handful of exceptions - always female. Saudi women are prohibited from marrying non-Arabs except with a special dispensation from the King. (A dispensation is also required before a Saudi woman may marry an Arab who is not a citizen of the Gulf Cooperation Council - i.e., Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain, Oman and the United Arab Emirates). The Embassy is only aware of four American men who are married to Saudis. A few daughters of Saudi diplomats, raised and educated abroad, are also known to have received Kingly dispensation for marriage to Europeans. Most Saudi women who are married to Westerners tend to reside abroad with their husbands.

American spouses fall into two broad categories: Those who are married to well-off, westernized Saudis, and those who are married to not well-off and non-westernized Saudis. Both meet their husbands when they are students in the U.S. The former tend to maintain homes in the Kingdom and in the West, they socialize with other dual-national couples, they send their children abroad for college education (sometimes high school), travel frequently, and while in the Kingdom have the luxuries of drivers, servants and villas separate from where the Saudi in-laws reside. Their husbands permit them to appear before men to whom they are not related, accept - if not encourage their desire to find employment and generally do not require them to veil fully (i.e., cover the fact with one or more layers of cloth) while in public. The women are allowed to travel separately with the dual national children. The women may or may not have converted to Islam; their conversion may or may not be sincere. These represent the minority of dual-national marriages.

Most American women fall in love with westernized Muslim traditionalists, leery of the West and its corrosive ways, and eager to prove their wives' conformity to Saudi standards. The husbands are not Arab Princes" of western folklore; rather, they are part of the vast majority of Saudis who "get along" with the help of extended family members and marginal expectations. Their American citizen wives are often from the South/Southwest (Where many Saudis prefer to study), they have virtually no knowledge of Saudi Arabia other than what their fiances have told them, and do not speak Arabic. When they arrive in the Kingdom, they take up residence in the family's home where family members greet them with varying degrees of enthusiasm and little English. Typically, their only driver will be their husband (or another male family member), their social circle with be the extended family, and they will not be permitted to work or appear uncovered among men to whom their husband is not related. Initially, the American citizen spouse will be almost entirely isolated from the large western community that resides in the Kingdom. Gradually, the spouses who survive, form a network with other American citizen women married to Saudis. The majority of American citizen spouses fall into this category.

THE MYTH OF THE WESTERNIZED SAUDI

Inevitably, American citizen spouses characterize their Saudi husbands during their school days in the United States as being completely "westernized"; drinking beer with the best of them, chasing after women and generally celebrating all the diversities and decadence of a secular society. Women married to Saudis who did not fit the stereotype of the partying, or playboy/prince, are careful to point out that their spouses nevertheless displayed a tolerance toward all of these diversions and, particularly, toward them. In other words, the Saudi-American relationship virtually always blossoms in the States, in a climate which allows dating, cohabitation, children out of wedlock, religious diversity, and a multitude of other Islamic sins which go unnoticed by Saudi relatives and religious leaders thousands of miles away.

American citizen wives swear that the transformation in their Saudi husbands occurs during the transatlantic flight to the Kingdom. There is the universal recollection of approaching Riyadh and witnessing the donning of the black abayas and face veils by the fashionably dressed Saudi women. For many women, the Saudi airport is the first time they see their husband in Arab dress (i.e., the thobe and ghutra). For those American women reluctant to wear an abaya (the all-encompassing black cloak) and for those Saudi husbands who did not make an issue of the abaya prior to arriving, the intense public scrutiny which starts at the airport - given to a western woman who is accompanying a Saudi male is usually the catalyst for the eventual covering up. Since the overwhelming majority of American citizen wives never travel to the Kingdom prior to their marriage, they are abruptly catapulted into Saudi society. When they arrive, their husband's traditional dress, speech, and responsibilities to his family re-emerge and the American citizen wife is left to cope with a new country, a new language, a new family, and a new husband. Whether a Saudi has spent one year or eight studying in the United States, each must return to the fold - grudgingly or with relief - to get along in Saudi society and within the family hierarchy that structures most social and business relations.

Social pressures on even the most liberal Saudi are daunting. Shame is brought upon the entire family for the acts of an American citizen wife who does not dress modestly (e.g., cover) in public, who is not Muslim, who associates with men other than her extended relatives. Silent disapprobation from family and friends is matched by virulent public disapproval by the Kingdom's religious proctors (Mutawwaiin) and vigilante enforcers of the faith. Several American wives, fearing the latest round of religious harassment, have started fully veiling; not to do so, they discovered, meant that public squabbles with the Mutawwaiin who vociferously oppose dual-national marriages. The experience of all dual-national couples is that voluntary and involuntary compromises are made or simply evolve. The sum of these compromises is quite often a life very different than the one imagined and speculated upon in the safety of the United States.

WHAT TO EXPECT AND CONSIDER

Quality of Life

Life in a desert Kingdom which prides itself on its conservative interpretation and application of the Quran (Koran) requires that couples talk about very basis lifestyle issues.

How cosmopolitan is the Saudi husband's family?

All American wives encourage prospective brides to meet the Saudi family before arriving in the Kingdom as a married woman. (Most Saudi families will travel to the U.S. during the course of their sons' studies, if only to attend graduation.) While it is no guarantee of acceptance, a family with regularly travels abroad or one in which the father has been stationed abroad is general more broad-minded when it comes to their son marrying a Westerner. It is the parents who can be the greatest source of pressure on a dual-national marriage and it is important to divine their opinions on what an American wife can and cannot do while living in the Kingdom.

With whom will you live?

Many newly married couples move in with the groom's parents, in a sprawling villa which may house several other siblings and their wives and families. Privacy is elusive and tensions with family members who for one reason or another resent the presence of an American wife often makes this living arrangement difficult. In a more affluent family, a couple may inhabit one of several homes which compromise a small family compound. Some Saudis live separately in villas or apartments. While that resolves the issue of privacy, many American wives find themselves completely isolated fearing the day, surrounded by neighbors who only speak Arabic, with no access to public or private transportation.

One tolerably married American citizen wife is not permitted to step out on the apartment porch since the risk is too great that an unrelated male would be able to see her.

The most western, but least common, housing arrangement would be an apartment or villa located in a western compound or on the Diplomatic Quarter. There, a semblance of western suburban life goes on behind high walls or, in the case of the Diplomatic Quarter, under the protective gaze of a multitude of Saudi police officers. However, most Saudi owners of western style compounds ban Saudi tenants since they fear western inhabitants would object. The very rare Saudi male who endorses this living arrangement is generally a naturalized Saudi, of Lebanese or Palestinian origin. For the average Saudi family, residence in a western compound would be an unnatural renunciation of Saudi culture and would make one culturally "suspect."

With whom will you socialize?

Saudis socialize within the family. Expatriates who have lived and worked for years in the Kingdom may never meet the wife of a close Saudi friend and, according to custom, should never so much as inquire about her health. For an American wife, a social live confined to her husband's family can be stultifying, particularly since few American wives speak, or learn to speak, Arabic. Whether the Saudi husband permits his wife to socialize with men to whom they are not related determines how "normal" (i.e. how western) a social live they will enjoy. Several American wives have difficulty even visiting the American Embassy for routine passport renewals since their husbands are opposed to their speaking to a male Foreign Service Officer. Because of the segregated society, Saudi men naturally spend much of their time together, separate from wives and family. (Even Saudi weddings are segregated affairs, often held on different evenings and in different locations.) Only the most westernized Saudi will commit to socializing with other dual national couples.

What freedom of movement will you enjoy?

Women are prohibited from driving, riding a motorcycle, pedaling a bicycle, or travelling by taxi, train or plane without an escort. All American wives were aware that they would not be able to drive while in the kingdom, but few comprehended just how restricted their movements would be. Only the relatively affluent Saudi family will have a driver on staff, most American women depend entirely upon their husbands and male relatives for transportation. While most expatriate western women routinely use taxis, an American spouse will be expected to have an escort - either another female relative or children - before entering the taxi of an unrelated male.

Will you be permitted to travel separately from your husband?

Travel by train or plane inside the kingdom requires the permission of the male spouse and the presence of a male family escort. Travel outside the Kingdom is even more restricted. Everyone leaving the Kingdom must have an exit visa. For an American spouse, this visa must be obtained by her Saudi husband. The Saudi spouse must accompany his wife to the airport to assure airport officials that he has given his permission for his wife to travel alone or with the children.

One American's marriage contract specified that "she stated that she shall never request to travel from Saudi Arabia with any one of her children unless with his prior consent."

Most American wives believe that the U.S. Embassy can issue exit visas in a pinch. This is not the case. The U.S. Embassy cannot obtain exit visas for American citizens. Passports issued by the Embassy are worthless as travel documents without the mandatory Saudi exit visa. While some more affluent American relatives offer to pay for the American wife to travel independently, this often meets with disapproval from the Saudi husband or family.

Will you be permitted to work?

There are two hurdles an American wife must overcome before finding work outside the home: The disapproval of the family and the paucity of employment opportunities.

Most husbands will not approve of a wife working outside the home if it entails contact with unrelated men. One American wife, who was a teacher in the U.S. during the entire five years of her courtship with her husband, was shocked when her husband threatened her with divorce when she requested to return to the U.S. to finish up one quarter of classes in order to qualify for a state pension. Now that she was married, the Saudi husband could not tolerate her being in the presence of other men. However, even if the husband is willing, the jobs are few. Employment is generally restricted to the fields of education (teaching women only) and medicine. Unfortunately, there is a tremendous social bias against the nursing profession and Saudi husbands would not approve of a wife working with patients, except in the position of a physician.

Will your husband take a second wife?

Among the younger generation, it is rare for a Saudi to have a second wife but it does occur. A man is legally entitled up to four wives, with the proviso that he is able to financially and emotionally accord them equal status. One American wife discovered that her Saudi husband had married her best friend, also and American, while he was on vacation in the U.S.

Religion

In principle, all Saudi men must marry Muslims or converts to Islam. In practice, many American women blur the issue; participating in a Sharia wedding ceremony but never actually converting.

The pressure to become a Muslim, or to be come a sincere Muslim, is enormous and never-ending. There is no separation of church and state in Saudi Arabia, and at the popular level there is simply no comprehension of religious freedom of the desire to remain Christian or undecided One American wife, who is approaching her tenth wedding anniversary has been terrorized by relatives who insist that the King has ordered that all women who don't see the light after ten years must be divorced and deported. For another, the pressure comes mainly from her children who are mercilessly teased at school for having a foreign, non-Muslim mother. (Half-hearted converts to Islam find that their children are ridiculed for having mothers who pray awkwardly or not at all.) One Saudi teacher informed the children of an American citizen mother, who has sincerely concreted to Islam, that their mother could never be a Muslim since "only Arabs can be Muslim." Women who don't convert must accept that their children, through hours of Islamic education a day at school and under the tutelage of the family, will be Muslim. Women who do convert must understand that their conversion, particularly in the aftermath of a divorce, will be suspect and their fidelity to Islam perceived to be less than their husband's.

Family

Saudi Arabia has one of the highest birthrates in the world and families with five or more children are the norm. The family is the basic unit of Saudi life and family members have must closer relations than in the United States. Every family member feels free to give an opinion on any facet of another family member's life. Siblings - particularly an older brother - are expected to financially aid each other and males must band together to guard the honor of their female relations. Children are not expected or encouraged to leave the nest; rather, extended adolescence can occur well into a man's early thirties.

What are the differences in child raising?

To a much greater degree than in the West, Saudi children are indulged. Little girls are dressed in miniature prom dresses, little boys wear the latest in western sport togs. Both wreak havoc. American wives must suffer silently when the children of various relations run riot through the house. One wife related the story of a brother-in-law's child who carefully doled out chocolate pudding on the brand new furniture. When she scolded the child, she was in turn scolded for making a fuss about something that could be cleaned.

On the other hand, the Saudi family is replete with baby sitters and children always have young and old playmates. with whom to mix. Because foreign labor is so cheap in Saudi Arabia, even lower middle class families will have an Indonesian or Filipina housemaid to help with the chores. Among the very affluent Saudi families and particularly within the royal family, each child will generate its own servant.

Many American mothers are frustrated by the dearth of things to do with their children. Absent a driver, mothers are cooped up at home with the children and, even with a driver, there are few venues to visit.

What will it be like to raise a daughter?

Cultural differences are never greater than when it comes to the role of women and raising a daughter is a challenge in any Saudi-American marriage. Growing up in the Kingdom, a young girl will naturally look forward to the day when she comes of age and can wear the abaya and cover her hair. She will naturally be very devout. She may be expected to marry a first cousin. While playing a central role in the family, a girl is nevertheless a statutory second class citizen who needs to be protected and whose word is worth only half of a man's.

For a Saudi girl, this is the natural state of affairs; for an American mother of a Saudi girl, it can be unsettling. Not surprisingly, most of our child custody cases in which a child has been kidnapped from the United States involve a Saudi father "saving" his daughter from a sinful" society and her "decadent" mother.

Since Saudi women are prohibited from marrying western men, an American mother must expect her daughter to integrate more tightly into Saudi society. This is not necessarily the case with sons who might be encouraged to study in the U.S. (Saudi girls are permitted to study in the U.S. only if they are chaperoned by a family member), who could freely travel to the West, whose business might facilitate travel between the two countries, and who might elect to marry an American woman. Several very liberal Saudi fathers and the American wives have been embarrassed by their more conservative daughters' decisions not to attend school in the United States in deference to the disapproval of their culture.

IF THE MARRIAGE FAILS

In the worst scenario, an American wife can find herself summarily divorced, deported, and deprived of any Light of visitation with her dual national children. Sharia law decidedly favors men in the dissolution of marriage. And the laws of Saudi Arabia require that all individuals be sponsored by a Saudi citizen in order to receive a visa, resident or otherwise. Therefore, once a marriage breaks up, the ex-wife must leave the Kingdom and may only return with the explicit permission and sponsorship of her ex-husband. (In cases where the Saudi husband attempts to prevent his spouse from leaving, the Embassy can call upon Saudi authorities to facilitate the American wife's departure. The Embassy cannot force a Saudi husband to relinquish the children.)

In one instance, an American who had undergone a bitter divorce and child custody battle with her Saudi husband, applied for and receive a visa to work with a company located in the Kingdom. Once the Saudi husband and the Saudi authorities discovered her presence, she was thrown into jail and ultimately forced to leave her position and the country.

What custody rights to women have under Sharia law?

Theoretically, a mother should maintain custody the children until the ages of 7-9, when their primary care would be transferred to their father. However, the ultimate objective of a Sharia court in the settlement of custody issues is that the child be raised a good Muslim. Whether a convert or not to Islam, an American woman will not overcome the prejudice against her upbringing and society. The Embassy has no knowledge of an American or any western woman ever winning custody of dual national children in a Sharia court.

Can an American mother flee the Kingdom with her dual national children?

It is impossible to legally leave the Kingdom with out the express permission of the Saudi husband. A woman who wishes to leave her husband but is pregnant at the time, can be required to wait until after the birth of the child. The same would hold true if the Saudi husband passed away - custody of the children and any unborn child would remain with the closest living Saudi male relative.

Can an American woman be denied visitation rights with her children?

A Saudi husband must giver explicit permission for a divorced wife to visit her children in the Kingdom. The Embassy has worked with the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to create the "no-objection" visa. The ex-husband must be willing to sign a statement that he has no objection to his ex-wife visiting the Kingdom. In that statement, the ex-husband establishes how long he is willing to let his ex-wife remain in the country. The history of no-objection visas is mixed.

A husband often objects to the emotional disruption of a visit from the American wife. Often the husband's second wife becomes jealous, and the American mother finds that her visits are restricted in time and carried out in full view of the extended Saudi family.

Only one American wife has successfully made no-objection visits over the course of the last five years. She has been successful because she speaks Arabic (Dual national children quickly lose their English skills once their mother departs the Kingdom), has managed to maintain steady relations with her ex-husband, and reconciled herself to the fact that her child would spend at least his first 18 years in the Kingdom. If the custody dispute has involved kidnapping by one or both parents, then by the time the children reach the Kingdom the father has no interest in facilitating relations with the American citizen mother. In these cases, all communication can be closed off and Saudi authorities will not intercede in family disputes. Consular Officers are rarely permitted to pay "Welfare and Whereabouts" visits.

COMMENT

Because the customs and laws of the Kingdom are so at variance with the expectations and emotional imperatives of an American citizen wife in the event of a divorce, an AMERICAN considering marriage to a Saudi must always contemplate the worst case scenario. American wives are bitterly disappointed and angry when they discover the limits of the Department's and Embassy's ability to intervene or resolve family disputes. The Department can provide no guidance on which marriages will succeed. But knowledge of Saudi Arabia and its particular interpretation of Islam should be an American woman's first step in determining whether the compromises required are worth the proposed relationship.

International Adoption & Child Abduction

Fri, 02 Apr 2004 01:39:50 GMT

found on the 'net

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 17:00:39 GMT

No Child Left Behind, Football Version

1. All teams must make the state playoffs, and all will win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable. In a recent experiment, the University of Nebraska football program modeled this theory.

2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time and in the same conditions. No exceptions for interest in football, desire in athletics, abilities, or disabilities.... ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL.

3. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own without instruction, because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes that aren't interested in football, have limited athletic ability, and whose parents don't like football.

4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in 4th, 8th, and 11th grades.

5. This will create a New Age of sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child will be left behind.

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 02:16:56 GMT

One year ago today

Sun, 14 Mar 2004 22:02:56 GMT

I just returned from The Red Hills Horse Trials, and it was great. The horses were beautiful, the riders were very skilled, the weather was lovely. We plan to volunteer next year. :-)

Sun, 14 Mar 2004 14:14:13 GMT

Toward the end of his speech, [Barney] Frank uttered a sentence one can hardly imagine coming from the mouth of a 21st-century American politician. "Our problem today," he said, "is too little government."

His proposal is to tax some of the wealth the private sector is now producing so abundantly -- "a fairly small percentage," he said, without being specific -- "and use it to employ people on socially useful purposes."

As Frank acknowledged, this whole approach smacks "to some extent [of] the New Deal philosophy." And that is why no one, including the Democratic presidential candidate, is likely to endorse it wholesale.

Read the rest

Home schooling in Florida

Sat, 13 Mar 2004 20:41:05 GMT

Florida Statute 1002.41 (1) (a) The parent or guardian shall notify the superintendent of schools of the county in which the parent or guardian resides of her or his intent to establish and maintain a home education program. The notice shall be in writing, signed by the parent or guardian, and shall include the names, addresses, and birth dates of all children who shall be enrolled as students in the home education program. The notice shall be filed in the superintendent's office within 30 days of the establishment of the home education program. A written notice of termination of the home education program shall be filed in the superintendent's office within 30 days of said termination.

So why did I get a letter from the Superintendent's office asking me to provide a telephone number?

Sat, 13 Mar 2004 16:32:28 GMT

Dentist Mohamedraza Huss Bhimani (Orland Park, Ill.), whom police say fondled three female patients, was arrested in his office while he happened to be working on another patient, in mid-filling (October). (The patient had to rush to another dentist to finish the job.) And Dr. Leon Gombis (Oak Lawn, Ill.) had battery charges filed against him after he, wielding pliers, ripped a cap out of the mouth of a 58-year-old patient, believing (mistakenly) that she was behind on her payments (January). [Chicago Sun-Times, 10-29-03] [The Star (suburban South Chicago), 1-11-04]

Sat, 13 Mar 2004 15:33:08 GMT

Copy to your journal, putting an X in front of those you've never done. Be sure to add one additional thing you've never done to the list.

(_) I have never been drunk
(_) I never have smoked pot
(_) I never have kissed a member of the opposite sex
(_) I never have kissed a member of the same sex
(_) I never crashed a friend's car
(X) I have never been to Japan
(_) I never rode in a taxi
(_) I never have been in love
(_) I never had sex
(_) I never have had sex in public
(_) I never have been dumped
(_) I never shoplifted
(_) I never have been fired
(X) I have never cut myself on purpose
(X) I never have been in a fist fight
(_) I never had a 3-some
(_) I never snuck out of my parent's house
(_) I never have been tied up (sexually)
(_) I never been caught masturbating
(X) I never pissed on myself (there is a fine line here, I'm assuming this means on purpose)
(_) I never had sex with a member of the opposite sex
(_) I never have been arrested
(_) I never made out with a stranger
(X) I never stole anything from my job
(X) I never celebrated New Year's in Time Square
(_) I never went on a blind date
(_) I never lied to a friend
(_) I never had a crush on a teacher
(_) I never celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
(X) I never have been to Europe
(_) I never skipped school
(_) I never slept with a co-worker
(X) I never have been fisted and/or have fisted anyone
(X) I never have thrown up in a bar
(X) I never have purposely set myself on fire
(X) I never have eaten sushi
(X) I never have been snowboarding
(_) I never have been happy with myself
(X) I never have met a movie star
(_) I never had sex in a pool
(_) I never went to a prom
(X) I never bungee jumped
(_) I never have been to a pop concert
(_) I never have dated someone for over a year
(X) I never sold naked pictures of myself
(_) I have never been in a car accident
(_) I have never seen a dog naked. (HUH?? Aren't dogs, cats, and other pets naked by default??)
(_) I have never slept in the nude.
(_) I have never had a one night stand.
[X] I've never eaten cheesecake

Fri, 12 Mar 2004 01:11:51 GMT

Woman Delivers Stillborn, Charged With Murder

Once again, if a woman refuses a cesarean she's in trouble with the law, yet a woman can choose to abort her unwanted unborn baby. I don't understand that contradiction.

Thanks to tamago23 for pointing this out.

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 23:13:35 GMT

I don't always agree with Ray Thomas, but this seems on target to me:

UNCALLED FOR: I don't watch hockey. Not because of the
violence, just because I don't like hockey. I don't
watch baseball, basketball and football for the same
reason. But the "sneak up from behind" hit by Todd
Bertuzzi on Avalanche's Steve Moore was way over the
top. I heard one man say that to prosecute Bertuzzi
for it "would change hockey as we know it." Maybe it
NEEDS "changing as we know it" if such a damaging
"sneak up from behind hit" that might paralyze or kill
this man is "allowed." Bertuzzi ought to be prosecuted
to the limit of the law and imprisoned for a long
time, his hockey career ended as he has probably ended
Moore's career Then he ought to be sued for millions
of dollars for the money he's going to cost Moore and
the pain and suffering Moore's going to go through
because of this cowardly "cheap shot." Yes, violence
is part of the game. It shouldn't be, but it is, but
Bertuzzi just went too far and needs to be severely
punished for it. If it had happened anywhere but the
hockey rink, Bertuzzi would already be in jail and
there'd be no question about prosecution for felony
assault at the least, and attempted murder if
possible. Bertuzzi is a menace and ought to be removed
from society.

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 23:08:19 GMT

I think someone unfriended me because of someone else who's on my friends list that I don't even know irl. Weird.

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:54:47 GMT

Everybody play! :-)

1. Does my username suit me?

2. Is my journal's title (Tales from the Dark Side) cryptic or descriptive? What do you think it means?

3. Does my journal expand your knowledge of me?

4. Do you think my bio describes me well? If there were no names given would you be able to guess who it was describing?

5. Which of my interests surprises you the least?

6. Which of my interests surprises you the most?

7. Which of my interests needs explaining?

8. Which of my userpics suits me best?

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 02:01:51 GMT

This has been the busiest day of my life, and it's not over yet. I probably won't be online again until tomorrow.

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 16:11:12 GMT

Great workout!!

I did lunges and squats and leg extensions. I'm up to 4 sets of each exercise. I remembered to stretch and warm up first, too. Then I did 45 minutes of cardio afterward!

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 02:38:06 GMT

Who said this:

" In times of old, knights put their lives on the line to defend
their Queen, not because their Queen belittled them, but because
their Queen stroked their egos, complimenting their courage, their
honor. Their bravery, loyalty and eagerness to serve were rewarded
with their Queen's attentions, her favor."

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 20:39:06 GMT

I'm in a strange mood. A bit tired. Mildly irritable. There's a pile of laundry on the sofa, and the boys are running through the house making noise, as boys often do.

Hopefully I'll feel more cheerful once I get to the EAA meeting tonight.

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 20:00:51 GMT

John Muhammad was sentenced to death.

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 13:31:14 GMT

Next question: Why are so many men afraid of relationships? Especially young men. Are they afraid that if the make a commitment to this one they might miss something "better" down the road?

ALL of my best lovers have been friends that I've eventually seduced after they've proven their friendship and trustworthiness to me over time. Not that they were *trying* to prove anything; they were just being friends.

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 00:19:53 GMT

Why do men act like sex is a skill? They talk about being good at it. That's odd. What makes one good at sex is communication, IMHO.

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 18:34:03 GMT

I have nothing interesting to say, but here it goes anyway.

I worked out this morning. It was my sixth workout with a personal trainer. We'll work out for 45 minutes again Wednesday morning, and then on Friday I'm on my own. After that we'll work out together twice a week for 45 minutes each time, and I'll work out once by myself.

I want to increase my cardio to 300 minutes per week. I plan to do an hour of cardio after each workout, so that gives me 180 minutes right there. I also ride my bike for at least 90 minutes a week, so that brings me up to 270. 300 minutes a week shouldn't be a problem. In fact, I'm sure I'll go over that pretty soon because of dancing, swimming, etc. (Note to self: take headphones to the gym to use during cardio workout.)

I also intend to stretch every morning before I start my day. And I'm starting Atkins Induction again tomorrow. My trainer isn't crazy about the idea, but I think he probably has misconceptions about Atkins, just as most people do.

I still need a regular dance partner. I need to find out exactly where the Swing dance club meets at FSU because I really don't know my way around there. They meet on Friday nights. Ballroom is on Sunday nights, and Salsa is on Monday nights. Then there are the CW dance classes on Tuesday nights, SCA dancing practice on Wednesday nights, and Julie's on after SCA.

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 00:40:53 GMT

I finally updated my Memories!